Hellsing Kills Twilight
by CrystalSparkyStar
Summary: The characters from Hellsing kill the twilight characters.Yes, I know there are a thousand other things like this, but give it a try. You know you want to see the sparkling fairies die!
1. Alucard vs Edward

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, bla, bla, bla, bla…. and bla.**

Alucard blinks.

Edward dies.

THE END.

**Coming next: Seras vs Edward!**


	2. Seras vs Edward

Bella was ready to throw herself off a cliff… again. The reason? Her Eddykins was late. He didn't appear as usual that night to illegally break into her bedroom. And he always appeared. Even when Charlie forbade him to enter his house again he appeared, giving good old Charlie a perfect reason to throw him into jail, where he belonged. He had to come. That's what all self-respecting stalker boyfriends do.

The plain, utterly boring and completely annoying sack of depression had been walking in circles in her bedroom at three in the morning after not having slept all night– what every male-dependant obsessive girlfriends should do. She did her homework, washed some dishes, did the laundry… yeah, pretty interesting stuff if you ask me.

She paused as she saw something move outside. She opened the window and looked outside, her heart 'literally stopping' at the simple – and gross – thought of seeing her walking corpse. But no, it was just a squirrel. Idiot!

Even more depressed than usual, Bella closed the window. After ten seconds she opened it again, just in case. She was now starting to worry. What if something happened to her only reason to live? What if – gasp! – he _forgot_ to come? That was unimaginable! Her heart began to race at a hundred miles per hour and she felt that old hole in her chest opening again and bleeding. Being the drama queen that she was, she fell onto her knees on the floor and began sobbing.

Meanwhile, what do you think her 'perfect gentleman' was doing? He was chasing a blonde girl dressed in a police uniform in Seattle. He knew that meant cheating over Bella, but as the complete douche bag that he was, he didn't care. What Bella didn't knew, it couldn't harm her.

That night started so well for Seras.

She had just exterminated several dozens of ghouls in an abandoned warehouse near Seattle and now was on her way to the airport. Walter was waiting for her there, with her coffin prepared, as she still couldn't cross moving bodies of water without being in the coffin.

Then somehow she bumped into Edward and things went downhill from there.

"_Maaaasteeeeeer! Heeeeelp_!" she yelled, while jumping over rooftops and hiding into shadows, trying to escape the emo creep that was following her. '_What did I do to deserve this?'_

"You cannot run! I'm the fastest vampire ever!" said Edward using his pathetic 'I-am-so-dangerous' voice, but actually managing to sound like a whiny spoiled little ten year old brat.

Seras paused for a moment. '_Vampire? Did he say that he's a vampire?_' She jumped into a dark alleyway and became one with the shadows, wanting to take a closer look at the creep. Now she was intrigued. '_He can't be a vampire. He doesn't even have fangs! He's more like a forest fairy! A very_ annoying _forest fairy'_, she thought, a spark of electric red appearing in her eyes as she became increasingly irritated by Edward's Casanova-wannabe behavior.

Edward catched up with her and was now looking around confused into the dark alley. Being the idiot that he was, he didn't knew about other species of vampires such as Nosferatu. '_He's definitely not a vampire_' Seras decided.

After a minute of scratching his head like a moron, Edward got an idea.

He began to sparkle.

The light almost blinded Seras, as she covered her eyes with her arm, jumping away from the disco ball. Now she was angered. Her eyes burned red as she took an attack stance and hissed at Edward.

"You can't hurt me, newborn! I'm a vampire!"

"Real vampires don't sparkle!" Seras growled.

And 'newborn'? Was that some kind of insult? It certainly sounded like one. Good. One _more_ reason to kill him.

"Yes they do. And I must warn you, you should stay away from me. This is the skin of a killer. I'm Edward Cullen, a dangerous vampire."

Seras raised an eyebrow. 'Killer'? Oh, he was asking for it.

"Dangerous vampire, you say?"

Surely, her master and Sir Integra wouldn't mind if she'd take down another monster on her way back home. Actually, this joke of a guy wasn't even dangerous, just a waste of atoms. But he described himself as a 'dangerous vampire' and her duty was to rid the Earth of such filth.

She grabbed her Harkonnen cannon and pointed it towards Edward:

"I'll send you into the deepest pits of hell!"

"Human weapons cannot harm me!" he said smugly.

Seras pulled the trigger.

Bella was still on the floor, crying, at five in the morning. She was such a trainwreck that she only came back into reality when she heard several knocks in the window's glass. As if someone just plugged her back in, she excitedly rose and jumped to the window – almost hitting her coconut, clumsy airhead that she was.

To her surprise, hanging out the window wasn't 'pretty' Eddykins, but an unknown blonde girl, dressed in a police uniform. She had large blue eyes, even larger boobs and a extra mini skirt. Bella stared at her dumbly. She wasn't a vampire, because her eyes weren't golden or red. A judgemental hypocrite as always, Bella disliked her immediately because she wasn't exactly 'plain' and 'ordinary' as her. She hoped Edward would never meet this girl. Yes, instead of being at least surprised at what a police girl was doing hanging out her window at night, Bella's concern was that Edward wouldn't be seduced by this not so plain tramp. Good old Bella.

"Who are you?" she asked rudely. "My boyfriend Edward is gonna be here any moment!"

"So I guess you're Bella Swan, right?" the blonde asked innocently.

"… Yes. And I'm waiting for my Edward."

"Uhhh, yeah. About that, it seems there may be a problem. Your Edward sort of… uh… got on my nerves and… well…" Seras began, a bit ashamed, but then dismissed it. "Oh, whatever! See for yourself!"

Seras lifted her arm, shocking Bella to near-death. Edward's head was held by its hair, one eyeball and several teeth missing and his marble skin cracked. Bella screamed in horror.

"NOOOOO! EDWAAAAARD!" Bella started hyperventilating. "You'll pay for this! My boyfriend's family will find you and you will pay!" she shouted between tears.

"Oh, you mean there are more of these things? Now I have to report this to Sir Integra. She won't be pleased." Seras mumbled imagining Integra's reaction. She threw the head inside Bella's room amd waved goodbye: "Sorry for all this. I usually don't go around killing people's boyfriends but I thought you would like to know what happened to him. Again… sorry! Bye!"

Seras became one with the night, leaving Bella to sob over her boyfriend's severed head.

**Hi hi hi! How was it? Sorry if Seras seems out of character. I may do Seras vs vampire Bella next, but I'm not sure. I've got too many characters waiting to kill the sparking fairies so it's hard to choose. Review, please!**


	3. Renesmee vs Ghouls

It was a dark and windy night in Forks, Washington. Through the forest, the wind blew softly, and the crickets were doing what they did best: singing.

All the Cullens were outside, hunting bears and other endangered species in the wilderness of Canada – which is totally illegal, if you ask me! Being the irresponsible, uncaring parents that they were, Bella and Edward left Renesmee alone at home that night, because they wanted to go on a date. You'd think that spending an eternity dating one single person would become boring, at some point, but no, not for our _least_ favorite couple of vampires. It seemed that the crickets were too loud for Edward. But Eddykins is a gentleman so he ate them all before he began kissing Bella. Bella, of course, immediately began to describe Edward's insect-filled breath (because, you know, even his breath is amazing!).

They are so in lust with each other that they don't even notice – or care – what happens in the world around them. If they were, they would have known that just a couple of kilometers away, outside the Quileute reservation; a team of Hellsing soldiers were pursuing some ghouls. The bullets continued to swarm in the night, until they escaped, entering the forest. The commander ordered his troops to stop. It was too dangerous wandering into the dark forest at night, hunting ghouls. Holy duty to rid the world of impure souls or not, the survival instinct still came first. If they went after them, they would most probably be taken by surprise and slaughtered like sheep.

They decided to put the mission on hold and wait until dawn break. Sir Integra wouldn't be pleased with them delaying a mission, but honestly, it was just a forest. It wasn't like there was any inhabited house there. Who would be so stupid to live in the middle on a forest?

So, they waited, a bit nervous. If they'd lose the ghouls, the last thing they needed was that creepy vampire with a red fedora hat taunting them and reminding them of their failure for the rest of their lives.

They shuddered. The vampire actually did that one or two times over the years. The poor souls went insane and finally shot themselves in the head.

(Ghoul thoughts):

_Hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry hungry… _*catches the smell of Renesmee in the Cullen house* …_food food food food food food food food food food food food…_

Edward and Bella were still kissing in the forest, when they caught a fine scent of the ghouls heading for their house. They stopped kissing, just to frown:

"Do you smell that, my love?" Edward asked.

"Yes, it smells like flesh rotting on corpses." Bella mumbled. Actually, even if she knew vampires couldn't sweat or eliminate any other kind of bodily fluid, she was still worrying that the disgusting smell came from her. And she went on thinking about how she's so stinky/(insert other offensive adjective here) that she doesn't deserve Edward, but the author of this story is a kind person so she won't put you through the torment of reading those kilometer-sized paragraphs again.

So, they shrugged and resumed kissing. The only important thing was that they make out and not even a zombie mob could stop them. No, dear parents, you don't have to care a little bit about your only daughter being in danger.

Renesmee caught a small scent of rotten flesh as the ghouls approached the Cullen house. She had no hobbies and no life whatsoever, so she was bored to _un_death. She noticed a group of shadows lurking out of the forest. It was a group of humans. '_Oh, goodie_!' Renesmee thought. '_More yum yum for me!_'. Still, something didn't seem right with the humans. They had grey skin, flesh almost dropping off their bones. their eyes an eerie bright purple and their slow stumbling movements made them look like they were some drunk homeless strays.

Renesmee pondered over this fact, now unsure if whether or not to eat them. Mind you, her abomination brain is kind of messed up, so this might take a while. To be more exact, at the time when the ghouls were a few inches in front of the glass wall, she still hadn't figured out how to form a coherent sentence inside her head.

The first ghoul bumped into the glass wall. He slowly slid to the ground, leaving a trail of blood on the glass. Then another one did it. Then the group of living-dead creatures started pushing into the wall, causing large cracks to appear.

Renesmee still thinks mommy and daddy will come and save her. Keep dreamin', Ness.

The glass wall collapsed under the pressure and the ghouls started to crawl inside. They grab Renesmee and start to chew on her limbs. Renesmee begins to scream and cry, but the sound of her voice is too much even for the ghouls. One of them rips her throat open and eats the vocal chords. One of them grabs a fork and pops her eyes out. Their hands dig deeper into her flesh, blood oozing out in fountains, ripping her apart and eating her organs. They crush her skull and begin chewing on her brain.

In the forest, Bella and Edward are _still_ drinking each other's saliva. They paused for a moment, when they picked up a scream, coming from the distance.

"Do you hear something?"

"Um…" Bella bit her lip. "No."

They resumed kissing.

**Mwahahahaha! Die, hell spawn! Die!**

***Ahem* Okay, I'm sane now. I really appreciate all the follows, favs and reviews, guys! Thank you very much, I've never thought this story would be so welcomed! **


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